a widowed person, wife passed from this world at the end of 2017

just my 3-year-old child and me

written words remembered from that time

they all read as written by someone I no longer know

then I realised I hadn’t grieved for the loss of the old me


Where to begin?

How’re about today? My son was driven to his nursery as he always does on a Wednesday. Just a week after his mum passed on. He’s only 3 years old, and it’s impossible to know how much he understands about what has happened.

One of the difficult things is trying to explain to such a young child why mummy can’t give him a cuddle when he falls over. My explanations seem child-like, she is being looked after by a Buddha called Arya Tara. My wife always liked the imagery of Tara. Her mantra was the last thing she was listening to when she passed.

Difficult times

A lot has happened since my first post. We had a funeral, my son changed to a closer nursery, and I had an operation to fix a deviated septum and blocked sinuses.

I’m still recovering from the operation, and a 3-year-old is hard enough anyway.

So how to find peace amongst all this? It’s easy to slip into self-pity, but where does this painful behaviour come from, and why does it arise so naturally.

Self-pity is self-explanatory, it’s keyword is ‘self’. My mind is so full of myself that there is little room for much else, or anyone else. Every little problem becomes my problem, whether it’s the pain I feel in my nose, or the latest craziness a politician somewhere in the world has decided to embark on.

Why does it come so easily? It’s so natural it must be normal, and therefore right to do. Not so, it’s just my habit, I’ve always done it.

How has this fared for us? Are we more resilient, better at understanding our predicament, and more effective at coming to an effective solution? Not really, in fact, the more we do it, the worse we feel.

So let’s have a go at letting go. They are just thoughts, less substantial than a cloud drifting through a clear blue sky. Watch it pass, don’t follow it, just accept its presence, and be kind. Do it enough and this will become our habit, a habit that is worth developing.

How does this reduce self? How does this bring peace? Just try, nothing to lose, and the possibility of peace and happiness to gain.

Letter to my mind

May I listen to those that I confirm speak the truth,

Travel their path in my body, speech, and mind.

Understand the I that I cling to so dearly,

Will come to an end with no discernable predictability.

Self-cherishing motivates all that I do,

Protecting its existence as though it were real.

No more initiating new causes of suffering,

Destroy the self-grasping ignorance that deludes the decision.

In the heart sits the potential beyond thought, word, or action,

May all find its unsurpassed exalted bliss and wisdom.

the grief of self-loss